this journal was mainly created for the aftermath of my car accident, and its fortunate and unfortunate catharsis. I've moved on, and in a way, a new catharsis is on its way, whether I like it or not.

The circle is closed.

The circle is open..... http://www.thesomedaysessions.blogspot.com/

There is nothing more heartbreaking (in a good way) than hearing that your 5 and a half year old cousin is praying for you every night.

Children have a special in with God, I know it.

Thanks Travis.

2290 presents the new modern art museum in SF

Here is the first piece by a new artist known only as frenchtinge:


Its a deep commentary on the status of our world that would take hours to explain to a low brow audience such as mine:




Please no one tell Mark that his room is the new gallery space, I think he might not understand that great art just has to be seen and that we all must make sacrifices if such new daring voices are gonna reach the stuffy art world

I could give you a blow by blow account of everything that happened in Mississippi which would still leave some stuff out because thats the nature of the beast, so instead I will just link you to a nifty blog written by other trip participants that gives a blow by blow account and also leaves some stuff out.

http://cwgulfport2006.blogspot.com/

So 'm lazy.

whateva

On my way to mississippi......



......to do some good i hope.

http://www.furia.com/page.cgi?type=twas&id=twas0503

So life has been quite interesting of late, and once it is all concluded I have an epic post to write chronicling the twists and turns of this current adventure.

But amidst the cacaphony and my almost endless rants I realized just how many actual true friends I have, and so if you are one of those friends who has so graciously listened whether it was this latest adventure or 5 adventures ago, I just wanted to say thank you.

feeling very vague tonight, opaque even. A knife edge of thinness pasted on the roundness of reality. This always happens after a migraine. It's like after the anarchic white noise of pain that plunges into my skull in unsteady bursts is done, the pure silence of my brain's thoughts seem so small. Tiny drops of nothingness into a once roiling pool. I feel pointless and drained. Reading to fill the hole only seems to point out how hollow it is, so I play music waiting for sleep, like puffy gauze filling a wound it soothes.

My brain doesnt hurt anymore and sometimes thats worse than when it did.

podium on a cart

new album droppin fall of 06

watch for it

I have discovered a weird prejudice by watching TV.

Specifically the show Lost.

Sawyer, is suppose to be a "bad" person, willing to put his interests above the others in the group on the island and he was a con artist bilking people out of the hard earned money before the plane crash. You aren't supposed to like him much.

My issue is I don't believe it for a second. And the reason is, (and I never claimed this was rational or made sense) they always show him reading.

I just can't digest the idea that someone who voraciously reads is a bad person, I cant get my head around it. I am sure there are plenty of "bad" people who read books. It's just when I see someone who reads on the street or on the bus or in a cafe I immediately feel a kinship, a weird automatic bond of sorts. They enjoy a pasttime that I do and so we are alike in some small way.

I need to start watching Freddie. I am guaranteed no actual insight or intellectual pondering while watching that.

you know what rocks hard? a free ticket to a great live sold out show, plus making two new friends at the same time and getting to go to the afterparty as well.

you know what doesnt rock? getting up at 5am to go to work when you got in at 2:30 am

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/10/polyphasic-sleep/

Sleeping in 20 minute intervals, six times a day... greatly reducing your actual sleep hours by conditioning your body to enter REM sleep automatically when you lie down for your nap.

I may have to try this....

I hate these bloody things, but i havent posted in a while so here goes:

*four jobs i've had:

- Rented videos at Blockbuster Video
- Loss Prevention at Borders (i got to stalk criminals and read books all day(though apparently singing the mission impossible theme is quite frowned upon while stalking))
- Pre-school Teacher (25 students running amok ...all orchestrated by me, plus unlimited tricycle races and sandcastle bulding, how could i not love it)
- Portrait Studio Photography (words guaranteed to get smiles; kids : money or candy; parents: more children)

*four little-known facts about me:

- I was called antisocial by my teacher in third grade
- I do not know how to ride a bike(at all) and if you tell people that, it is such an expected childhood rite of passage they automatically assume you are joking.
- I watched all 22 episodes of season 3 of Alias right before season 4 started because I hadnt seen it and wanted to get caught up before the next season started (yes thats a lot of television, and a lot of coke(a cola))
- I stole a stop sign. and stupidly signed the back in a fit of incriminating stupidity

*four city airports i have visited:

Boston
LaGuardia
Guatemala City
Dallas

*four favorite male actors:
Jimmy Stewart
Kevin Spacey
Edward Norton
Bill Murray

*four foods i hate to love:
this makes no sense, therefore on the principles of coherence i refuse to answer



*four websites i visit daily:

MySpace
BBC News
HuffingtonPost
Whedonesque

*four things i want to do before i die:
Travel from Alaska to the tip of South America
Hike the Rocky Mountain trail that goes from Mexico to Canada (a six month hike)
Learn to play guitar
Live in New York.

*people i'm tagging

now i hate these things why would i make others do them??

So I always assumed my favoritest valentines day would entail a candle mid table, gazing into a significant others eyes, roses strewn at her lap, the restaraunt and people dim and romantic around us...

Instead it was this....

http://www.flickr.com/photos/laughingsquid/sets/72057594064704822/
and
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0H470fDrb1w&search=pillow%20fight

a 500+ person pillow fight of ginormous proportions that lasted over a half an hour.

The best part was the half laughs as people tried to breathe and laugh at the same time while they swung their pillows haphazardly around. Another helpful addition was the plethora of cute girls swinging pillows, but dont worry my hand was only stayed momentarily when i noticed their cuteness; they then also suffered my pillow's wrath.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=darkpaladin
I thought this was quite interesting, specifically because it should show the difference between my perception and how 'm perceived. If you could just take a few moments to do.

And trust me i hate those long screeds or surveys as well so i would not send it to you unless i knew it would take a few moments...

i always assume that i need to meet more people. that that is my big fault. the reason 'm not doing more exciting things. But i think it may be the opposite. meeting people isnt the problem. 'm introduced to hundreds of people, they just dont like me. And actually i wouldnt even go that far, its not that they dont like me, its that they are indifferent. I could've hung out with them multiple times and it matters not. I still walk into a bar where they are at, meet their eyes with mine and i might get a imperceptible nod.

And this isn't something that is a one time deal, something i noticed suddenly, it is an ongoing event with many different friends. Being reintroduced to the same people over and over, people not remembering my name when i remember theirs and even subtle little details or conversation fragments from the last time.

Maybe 'm being too self important here, too full of myself. Its just annoying and almost makes going out to a "party" or "event" pointless.

and yes that's my whining yet still true observation of the night.

Setup: Mark ordering pizza online in his room and having issues with the checkout procedures. Me hovering impatiently.

Me yelling to Josh whose room is across the way: "Mark doesnt even know how to use a shopping cart!

Josh yells quizzically: In real life???

Some would consider remaking this film blasphemy; but my enjoyment for the absurd seriousness that is bollywood makes me really want to see it.

http://www.twitchfilm.net/archives/004962.html

the arrogance of doctors kill me. their dismissive nature.

my eye wouldnt open this morning due to pain and was red and inflamed. mightve been my new contacts, 'm not sure.

my boss kindly let me leave work early today so that i could go see an eye doctor, mostly because i think he got tired of me looking at him all one-eyed with the other squeezed shut in a grimace of pain.

My doctor decided to dilate my eyes so he could see the extent of the inflammation in my eye. He left to wait for the medication to take effect and soon wave after wave of nausea rolled over me, getting to the point that i called out to him, (the door was open and i could hear him on the phone nearby) exclaiming woozily, is nausea a normal side effect to the dilation medication? He quickly said no as he scooted a waste basket under my body with his foot to catch my dry heaves.

After this finally settled down he preceded to definitively say it was probably a reaction to the situation; being told my eye was inflamed, and being in a medical office. And then joked that i shouldnt worry he wouldnt tell anyone about this.

Well, guess what mr. doctor.... I have been clenched over in an almost crab walk, each step a lit fire of pain, walking into a "medical office" and then in a wheelchair rolled to a doctor who said without a hint of sadness he had no idea what was wrong with me, and not fainted or felt nauseous to any degree. So spare me your patronizing dismissive attitude of arrogance.

I readily accede that you went to school for a long time, and that your repetitive similar cases have given you an idea what to look for. But you do not know as much as you think you do. And more importantly you do not know as much as you would like us to believe. I can wear a white coat too.